A run through loneliness

        Have you ever felt so alone that you felt sick? Every single day you thought about leaving everything behind and disappearing, starting again. Everyone seemed judgmental and every action you made seemed wrong. You felt left out, disregarded, maybe even hated.

        I have. Every day I forced myself to put on a smile and walk around like everything was okay and I was as happy as one could be. Every night I would lay in my sadness and cry myself to sleep. For three months this happened. Day after day I felt alone, like a body with no soul. A ghost almost. In this time, I learned what it truly meant to be alone. Much like Vladek felt when he lost Anja.

       
Everybody deals with loneliness differently. Anja chose the easy way out. Vladek, similar to myself, chose to fight it and power through. The outcome of the battle between loneliness and the soul is a changed human being. One that has suffered the greatest pain. Loneliness. "Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty"- Mother Teresa.

        I found that the best way to fight loneliness is to immerse yourself into something you love and that you can control. Something that sparks a fire so bright, so hot, that all the pain is burned away. My igniter was running. Through running I found myself. My loneliness turned into solitude. What was once a depressing day that I would have spent in bed, was now a day where I tied the laces and outran the pain.
     
         Vladek's igniter was cleaning. Vladek's need for everything to be in order and spotless was his way of coping with loneliness. By being able to control something in his life, Vladek tied himself back down to Earth and cleaned up his soul.  Even a few cigarette ashes were a burden on his effort ti fight loneliness, which is why he gets so upset.

        I felt just like Vladek on days when I did not get to run. I felt like I was losing. I felt as though my efforts were in vain and I was going to return to the dark horror which was my past. Loneliness kills.

        There is no greater pain than being lonely so if you every feel sick, if you ever feel like leaving everything behind, if you ever feel judged, then fight back. There are seven billion people in the world. You are never alone. You have the greatest friend of all. Yourself. Be your own best-friend. Don't hurt yourself, find yourself. Never let loneliness take over, for loneliness is a poison in which one will never recover. And if you can't find yourself, I for one will always be here to help fight the loneliness for you.